I once dated a boy who was abusive. At the very least he had some serious anger management issues. To his defense he’d had one of the worst upbringings I’d ever heard about. He lived with his mum who was a victim of violence and he witnessed some awful things a child should never have to see (such as boyfriends bashing his mother, trying to drown her in a bath tub, breaking her bones and face, dragging her around the house by her hair). These boyfriends often turned on him, this little runt of a boy who wasn’t theirs. On top of this his mum was an alcoholic and he spent most of his time alone. Either his mum was out drinking or passed out in a drunken stupor. There usually wasn’t any food in the house and he told me stories of eating stale bread and trying to open tinned food with a fork.
When I met him he lived with his dad in a bedroom with only a single bed and a handful of clothes. No radio, no music, no posters. Nothing personal at all. Even his undies were too small for him and no-one bothered to buy him new jocks. He was a sad and angry person who had been kicked out of every school he attended because no-one could control him and he couldn’t control his temper. At 15 he was a high school drop out.
We met through a mutual friend who tried to warn me off him after we met but I didn’t understand what he was trying to tell me. I first saw this boy flip out a week after we secretly started dating. We were on a train and two of his friends got on the same carriage as us. The friends, one cute Maori boy and the other a weedy blond thing, spent the rest of the night hanging out with and following us everywhere. My boyfriend seemed happy to have them tagging along. I wasn’t that happy because the blond boy gave me chills down my spine and kept talking about sex and parties. I knew there was something really off about him. After sometime the boy friend suddenly has this immensely angry outburst directed at me and what a slut I was and how if I wanted to fuck his friends then just do it, telling me we’re over. It took the three of us ages to calm him down and in the end they walked him to the train station and I went home not knowing what was going on. The Maori boy pulled me aside at one stage and tell me this is normal for this boy.
The next day he calls me and says he was angry that his friends hung around when he had wanted to spend his time with just me.
This went on for a couple of months. Him blowing his stack over little things and me just watching him go and wondering what his deal was. He would come over and visit me and if I got a phone call while he was there he would lose his temper once I got off the phone. Quizzing me about who the person was, what they wanted, did I want to fuck them and so on. Most of my phone calls were from family so the idea that I was cheating with the person was laughable. He had this saying too, “Do you think I’m stupid?” Meaning he knew I was lying about who was on the phone and I couldn’t fool him. If friends visited he would lose his temper with them because he didn’t want them around. If male friends came to visit he’d accuse us of making out while he went to the toilet or went outside for a smoke. He would even get angry if I looked at a guy on tv for more than one second because it meant I wanted them and not him.
First off I tried to settle him down and reason with him. After weeks of this I would just walk off when he got angry. It got to the point where when he would ask if I thought he was stupid I was say “Yes”.
My friends thought he was a loser and volatile and wanted him out of my life. I knew that behind his anger was some very serious sadness, hurt and vulnerability. Not that this excused his behavior. Aside from him cursing and yelling and breaking my furniture and the house I was renting he never hit me. I used to say to him when he stood over me with his fist clenched threatening to him me, that he’d be sorry if he ever did. I told him in no uncertain terms, “If you hit me you’re gone. We’re over for good”.
We kept breaking up and getting back together. He’d lose his temper, accuse me of cheating on him, say we’re over, then call me up days later saying he was sorry and he missed me and he wanted us to be together. At first I would back down and get back with him. Over the months I took longer and longer to take him back.
During this time he was seeing a psychiatrist who was really amazed at how much he’d calmed down since he met me. Even his dad would phone me up telling me his son was a different person since we’d met. I used to think, “If this is toned down I’d hate to see him in full swing”.
In fact, many a time I had to phone his dad to come and take him home because of his threaten behavior.
One thing he liked to do when he lost his temper was stand in the middle of the street screaming, “You mole, you slut, you fucking whore!” for all the neighbours to hear. And I’d phone his dad to get him.
To be continue...
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